where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
