I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
