i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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