finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
how drunk are you?
Several
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
