There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
