I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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