yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
