i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
