Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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