Sponge bath it is.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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