I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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