I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
