U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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