Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
