I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
