Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
