I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
