You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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