I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
