just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
