i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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