I faked an abortion last night.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
