why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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