I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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