She said her name was "party"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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