I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
