i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
