There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
