I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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