Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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