my phone needs a breathalizer
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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