I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
