i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
