the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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