your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
