none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
