There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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