Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
