Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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