omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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