If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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