she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
