I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
