I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
