I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
No stitches, just platelets and will power
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
