I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
