She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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