just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
