I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
