It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
