He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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