My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize