he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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