Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
