He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
