Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
